totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
