I think I won the penis lottery.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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