Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
