o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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