What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
