dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
