I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
