o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need water and some morals
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
