wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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