I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
