you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
