In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
