my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
