Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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