i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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