if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
