I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
