so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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