Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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