how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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