I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
