you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
