Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
