i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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