I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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