That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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