Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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