I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
