I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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