Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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