I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
