i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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