he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
