I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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