There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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