My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
