I don't usually arrange sex via text message
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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