I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
