Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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