you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize