forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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