you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can feel your judgement through the phone
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
