A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
