NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
