Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
my phone needs a breathalizer
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
