ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
