According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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