I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
