He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
