I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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