so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
