I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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