i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
