Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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