I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
