I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
