On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
