we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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