Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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