Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize