Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
