when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
