My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize