well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
