so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
