when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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