Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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